Still Behind the Curve

As occasionally happens, I had a spiritual awakening today.

I suddenly realized that I am a sinner, that I am saved by the purest grace and love, and that there are many people out there that have never experienced the emotions and experiences that I have. In fact, they are quite probably very foreign.

This morning, as I was experiencing this awakening, I felt, for a moment, as though I were on the outside looking in. I saw the Christian machine and its merchandise and wanted to wretch, yet I understood their usefulness. I saw dusty tomes of theology and doctrines and felt nauseated, yet realized their necessity.

I was, looking back, in some kind of spiritual limbo: seeing things from both the inside and out. And as I entered back into the bubble today, we sang a song:
How deep the Father's love for us,
How vast beyond all measure,
That he should give His only Son
To make a wretch his treasure.

I realized, as we were singing, that a friend of mine, who I have been writing back and forth with about spiritual things, has never experienced this love. Further, he has never experienced the Father at all--something I hold as core to my identity has been completely absent from his life. Does he feel treasured? Does he feel valued or wanted? I cannot say.

Yet in these moments I realized that God, rich in mercy, has loved me with the deepest love and made me part of his family. I realized in that moment that I know God, and he calls me friend. This thing I do and live and breathe is not just a thing: it is real and powerful and dynamic and unique.

Normal is not the word for my life. I am not quite sure what is. Beloved is somewhere close; it holds shades of meaning that I want to express.

I highly doubt that this is new for anyone but myself. This is a recurring thing in my life. Just when I think I've got it all down, God shows me that I am still behind the curve.