July Already?

I woke up this morning to find myself into day two of month two of break. I feel like it's time for some honest review:

To start, prayer. And a significant lack thereof. After a month and a half of ministry at the church, and to my friends and family, I realize that I do not pray nearly enough. Sometimes in our discussions about our spiritual journeys, we talk about how we're never actually ready for anything. That we never actually do enough of something. We are never actually ready for ____________. (Insert words such as marriage, dating, ministry, etc.) We never ___________ enough. (Insert words such as fast, pray, serve, feed the homeless, clothe the naked, love God, etc.)
I have come to the realization that I must spend much, much more time in prayer. Because there is something mystical there, there is something to prayer that moves mountains. God has spoken to me about this in a number of ways, but tonight was a real kicker. My grandma always collects bookmarks and other oddities for me, and tonight, as I was helping her move furniture, she gave me a bookmark, which says, "A Christian is never greater than his prayer life."
In summation, that knocked me down on the Pride-o-meter a number of notches.

Another point of review: time management. I feel like this is something I pretty much rock at when I am at school. I can make cute little Excel spreadsheets with every part of my day: class, work, meeting, PCM, coffee break, potty time. I can't do that here. This is because my life here is not completely mine: my mom often has entirely different plans for my day than I do. I find myself rushing to put lessons together and not even touching my Christian Missions class (which I begin to dread every time I think of how far behind I am).

Thirdly, after a year of Bible College and (somewhat) extensive study, I still find that many of my old demons still hang around. The monkeys on my back that I was so sure I had rid myself of are still very present. My struggles with self-image and self-portrait (I believe those were the words in my 9th-grade health book) are relatively bad. I beat myself up over failure, find myself easily discouraged, and feeling very brow-beaten and unsettled in my own heart. My old monsters, anxiety and fear, are back underneath the bed and in the closet.
Call it what you will but I really thought that I had grown up and moved on. Clearly I haven't completely. I think I find myself suffering from a low-grade fever of sadness, but I am not completely sure. I could write for ages about this, so I will stop. But I do find that I am much more willing to trust recently. I am much more willing to step out in faith. And I find myself loving Jesus quite a lot. So I'll take it. To quote a recently re-discovered favorite of mine:

"So I got that goin' for me."
--Bill Murray, Caddy Shack