Confessions of an Eternal Optimist

I've come to accept that this summer could be my first experience with ministry not giving me that Jesus high, that buzz I've felt in the past after giving a sermon or leading worship. I've come to accept that when I go into my Sunday Morning journey-study that I have a 3 for 3 record of leaving with less energy than which I came in with.

To sum up: my eternal optimism, my feelings that ministry would always be fulfilling, my ideas that doing the work of the Kingdom would certainly give me the feeling of my hair standing on the back of my arms each time, are decidedly not true. All those times I've read the books about ministry being exhausting after a while are correct.

Who knew?

Come Monday evening, after another less-than-my-mental-image-and-plan Sunday morning, I was quite discouraged. To the point of anger and frustration: I felt cheated. I had made the plan, done what the books told me to do, made fantastic visual aides, timed video clips immaculately. However, none of my students had gone through a drastic transformation. (Yet, I think in secret).

I would imagine that anyone who has spent their career or even a little bit of time in ministry could look me in the eye and give me a gentle 'Duh.' But I'm not the brightest bulb in the tanning bed, so great maxims such as these take me a little longer to believe, I guess.

But Tuesday was a new day. There is a group of pastors, one of whom is Rick, who meet on Tuesday mornings to pray for spiritual, social, and economic revival in our county. I go with and often hear the news around the county, and we pray for a good solid two hours. God did not wait long to un-discourage me: we opened with Galatians 6:9:

And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.

A number of other encouragements came to me throughout the day: texts and words of affirmation were in abundance at a much needed time. The kicker: Rick has given me an opportunity to preach at the church, both services, on August 3. Probably the most exciting thing that has come out of the last two weeks, really.

And so my eternal optimism is renewed. At least for now.

Prayer Request:

This Friday evening the aforementioned group of pastors are hosting a Public Servant Appreciation Dinner. Members of the city council, county commissioners, the public safety directors, city and county education board members, and other key government officials will be present to view a 15-minute video on how a town in California came back after men and women sought God's face for revival in their community. We're hoping for this to be a great event together. Please pray that details from technology to food service to our conversations would be blessed by God!

The First Sunday

This past Sunday I started a journey with the students of First United Methodist Church. This journey, Transformed, is about exploring life as a chosen people. So, after hours of making postcards, fliers, posters, info sheets, etc., I was ready Sunday morning.

I bought the doughnuts.
I had studied what God had given me.
I had fun questions.

I was ready.

The first Sunday, two guys showed up. I really enjoyed our time together, and I really hope that this is the start of something grand. We went over what it means to be a chosen people and studied passages on Jesus out of John and 1 John. I gave them a sheet with the verses on it so we could underline it and study it together. We discussed passages, the love of Jesus, and I explained the Gospel as best I know how.

Then it was over. No fireworks. No celebration. Just two eighth graders who came, saw what I had to offer, and left, and (God willing) will come back next week. A few thoughts strike me:

1) Most of the "ministry experiences" I've had in the past involved a buzz at the end, as in, I was all jazzed up after giving a talk or leading worship for the first time. This was the first time it was like, OK. That's it. There was no lauding praise or pats on the back. There weren't tears or converted lives.

In short, I did ministry. There is something terribly beautiful in all of this. I now, better than ever, understand why it is so important for me to be occupied with Jesus instead of for him. I can't survive in day-to-day ministry on Spirit Buzz. I need to be attached to Jesus. I need to be in prayer about 1,371,258 times more than I am right now. The temptation is to be relevant: to change my methods, to get better videos, cooler fonts, and a better room. The reality is a need to pray. (Thank you Henry J.M. Nouwen).

2) I've been reading all sorts of books on youth ministry lately to, as said before, be relevant. All of these books tell me I need to be present emotionally, socially, morally, spiritually, and by the way, physically. But I also need to be present relationally. This presents a few doubts such as: Do I have what it takes to be a model? Will they like me? Am I too lame to be a friend to these students? Do they want me to be their friend?

Regardless, I understand that it is nearly impossible to share Truth with students if they don't trust you, and trust is developed through relationship. These kids are asking: 'how is this life you're presenting better? Because I'm at school and there are a thousand other voices telling me to do something that seems way better than what your offering. But they seem to be dead inside, and so do so many people. I just want to know if I can live, if I'm going to make it.'

So I'm going to start doing some events really soon. No strings attached events. Because quite frankly, I don't remember very many talks my youth pastor gave me. I don't remember any great small group meeting. What I do remember is knowing he loved me because he had me over for wings and we'd talk. We'd go to Cedar Point and have great discussions in line. I remember 1 liners over lunches and coffee.

Perhaps the best way to shape students isn't with a talk. Because that's all they hear: adults talking. Maybe they just want to be listened to. Maybe they want to see us in real life, not from a podium or stand.


Anyway, those are my reflections from this Sunday.

Now all I need is a topic for THIS Sunday...

Transformed.

This past Sunday, which I suppose would be the 25th, I went to my internship church, Warren First United Methodist, or "First Church" for both services. Pastor Rick introduced me to the congregation and I had a few moments to share my plans for the summer. During the Sunday School hour, I had the chance to visit the current Jr. High and High School class that was going on so I could meet some of the kids that would hopefully and potentially join my study.

A bit of background. The class that I visited was a "Pre-Confirmation" class that is getting the students some basic knowledge before entering confirmation classes in the fall. I am going to pick up this time with these students starting June 8th with my own curriculum which I will explain shortly.

When I heard I was picking up this Pre-Confirmation class, I was a bit apprehensive mostly because I was told it would be mostly 12-14 year-olds. And while that was fine, I knew that my goals for a guys small group would only come through with Sr. Highers. Fortunately, at the class were two Junior guys. I really liked them and I think that at least one of them would join a small group if I asked. There were also two seventh grade guys as well. Two girls (both, conveniently, named Emily) and another younger guy were missing. The students seemed really receptive towards me, and I really think that we will be able to bond over the summer.

So I started writing my curriculum for my class, or what I call a journey, because 'class' is far too formal. The curriculum is called "Transformed: Exploring Life as a Chosen People." I will be covering all sorts of topics from suffering to evangelism to service to identity. I got the idea out of 2 Peter 2:9-10:

"But you are the ones chosen by God, chosen for the high calling of priestly work, chosen to be a holy people, God's instruments to do his work and speak out for him, to tell others of the night-and-day difference he made for you—from nothing to something, from rejected to accepted."
(The Message)

In the ESV, verse 11 reads that once, we had not received mercy but now we have received mercy; that once we were not a people, but now we are a people. We have been Transformed from nothing to something and from rejected to accepted. The whole premise of the class is that if this is true, then it should and will have dramatic and radical effects on our lives. We have been chosen, so how shall we then live? This journey I hope to take these students on will explore what it means to be God's chosen people.

My first lesson will be on the 8th, and will talk about the person of Jesus and salvation. "From Illusion to Reality" will talk about how we have been given real and true life through Jesus Christ and we no longer have to live in the illusion of sin. It will cover the person of Jesus (The Divine God-Man), the passions of Jesus (To Seek and To Save the Lost) and the work of Jesus (Death, Burial, Resurrection).

It stands right now that there will always be free food, and it will always be a multimedia event. Movie clips, music, and the like will always be part of each class. I want these students to engage with me and, more importantly, with God. I want this class to show students that the Bible is relevant and has meaningful things to say to our generation. I want to show them that there is a Better Way.

So here are some more prayer requests:

That I would be sensitive to God's whispers in what to bring to these students, as well as that I would be receptive to their needs as young believers or even skeptics.

That I would develop real, authentic relationships with these students, so that I become a friend and not a teacher. To be honest, I don't remember very many studies or Bible lessons, but I do remember relationships.

That God would use this journey to draw his children home.

I am so excited to begin this journey with these students. I am chomping at the bit. I've made posters, post cards, and I am going to hound them to be there. Again, I am so excited. God is goin to work this summer, I think, regardless of my actions or not. I hope that I can be at peace with that.

Thanks for your prayers.

--KHT
Zeph 3:17

Admitting My Weakness

The following is excerpted from a letter I recently sent to a friend. I thought it appropriate to share here, as well.

I've been thinking a lot about my powerlessness to achieve, well, anything in this life that we are trying to live. In essence, it is impossible for me to fix myself, to end my addicitons to approval and self, to make myself a more humble or loving or submissive or patient guy. It's not me.

I was reading in Romans 8 today (don't even get me started) and in verse 13 it said that "For if you live according to the flesh you will die, but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live." I can only live if I put to death the deeds of the body through the Spirit. This is especially helfpul and a message from God in light of my battles over the last few days.I then picked up a devotional I will be going through this summer, "The Inner Voice of Love" by Henri Nouwen. Today's title was "Admitting your Powerlessness." Coincidence?

He talked about admitting our powerlessness to God so he can truly work; that if we try to hard we fail, but if we don't try hard enough we don't get better either. When you plant a seed, you don't dig it back up every day to see if it's growing. I have to let go and earnestly seek God about these things.

It hit me the other night that only Jesus can save me now.

If I'm going to have to go with a last resort, I think I would like him to be Jesus.Then I begin to understand that the essence of the Gospel is making Jesus your first resort, not your last. I think I would have wasted a lot less time if I'd have just figured this out sooner.

And so I pray. I'm reading about breath prayer, this things monks in the East developed in the 6th century to pray without ceasing. Breathing in, I whisper half of a prayer, and the other half when I exhale. For example, "Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner." That was the monks'. I like, "Abba, I belong to you." Especially after Romans 8's talk of adoption.

So please, read and pray. Know where your strength comes from. Admit your powerlessness.

The Plan Unveiled

Dear Friend,

I began this blog a while ago to get myself in the habit of keeping this going. I began this with the purpose of keeping my friends who are scattered around the country up-to-date with what is happening with my ministry over the summer. Today I had a very important meeting and nailed down a lot. This is the rough plan for the next three months.

This summer, to give a bit of background, I will be working at the First United Methodist Church in Warren, OH. This is not my home church; in fact, I had never been there or met the pastor until Christmas break when a friend told me that Pastor Rick was interested in bringing me on. So I met with him, and within two hours, we both felt that God wanted me at FUMC.

The plan for this summer is to work with the youth of the church. Youth Group, which normally meets on Sunday nights, does not meet during the summer; this is common practice around here. Because I need a springboard for the rest of my ministry, on June 8th I will start teaching a class for Jr. and Sr. High tentatively titled "The Life That is Christian." I will not take any credit for a lot of the material because it was created by Mike Merry and Junior Ziegler for the youth ministries at DesPlaines Bible Church,

Using this class as a springboard, I will try to get a small group for the 9th-12th grade guys going. It will by no means be large; the youth group right now is about 10 or less students. If God sends two or three guys, that will be ideal and meet my expectations. I have yet to decide where to go with the small group, but I do plan to use a variant of a Life Transformation Group found in Neil Cole's Cultivating a Life for God.

During this time, I hope to get to a point where I can casually hang out with the students. Go to a movie. Grab some dinner. Play video games at their house. My goal here is not to be a good Bible teacher, but to be a good friend and maybe even a mentor. A longer-term thought is starting an improv acting group and doing a dinner for the church with a few skits, maybe a student's testimony, etc.

I will also be meeting with the Sr. Pastor for a mentoring time of some sort, and going with him to a meeting of pastors on Tuesday mornings at the area mission. About 20 pastors gather to pray for revival, and I am really looking forward to this time.

On the side, I will be working at an insurance office, as an "office manager." I take this term to be a politically correct and masculine term for "secretary."

While there is a lot of gray, I think that God will work out details later. My main focus is developing my curriculum, which will definitely be a fluid process as I get to know the students better in the next few weeks.

Another important part of this blog is so I can share prayer requests. Here are some now:

1) That God would show me what He wants the students to hear and learn in the Sunday School class, as well as small group times, etc. Pray that He would guide my decision making process in this and give me the passages to use.

2) Pray that the students would be open to me. I really would like to build meaningful relationships this summer. I understand that this doesn't happen quickly, but I hope to get a chance to dig into life with these students. Pray also, more importantly, that they would be open to the Spirit's work in their lives presently as well as in the future.

3) Pray for a Timothy. I am really hoping to find and older guy and really get the chance to specifically pour into him. Pray that God would show me who this student is supposed to be, as well as how to best live life with him.

4) Time management and discipline. In addition to doing ministry and having a job, I will be taking a correspondence course over the summer as well as trying to do a whole lot of reading. Not to mention spending time with family and friends. AND my mom will be getting married on July 13th. The business is smacking me in the face.

5) A good friend and I have been writing back and forth about religion. When he comes home, I am interested to see the direction these conversations go. Pray that God would open his heart and mind, as well as give me the right attitude and words to speak with him. Pray for God to bring him home.

Thank you for your prayers and support this summer. Please keep reading as I will try to update with frequency.

In Abba's Embrace,

Kyle
Zeph. 3:17

Life Unraveled (Temporarily, At Least)

It's move-out week, and as boxes and tubs filled with our belongings flood the halls, I get the feeling that my life is unraveling.

Everything stable about life here is stolen away every May (rhyme not intentional): our belongings packed away, our furniture torn apart and re-arranged, and the rooms cleaned spotless. It's supposed to look like we were never there, they tell us. It seems kind of odd to make a space your own for three quarters of the year but pretend like you were never there for the rest of it.

There is a mixture of excitement, anticipation, and sadness as each of us puts another box outside our door, as we place another container of odds and ends clothing, office supplies, and books on a shelf in storage. We are being removed from the World we've immersed ourselves in for nearly an entire year, and with it goes the families that we have made for ourselves.

I'm not quite sure how many times I've told a friend, "I'm not sure what I'll do without you for three months." I am about to leave this campus for more than quadruple the amount of time I've been gone before. It is odd to feel apprehensive about going home, to My Bed, My Bathroom, My Mom's Food.

And as my new-found family and I scatter across the country and even the world, we can see in each other's eyes that none of us want to leave each other. I am ready to go home for a while, yet the chance to stay here with these people is at times significantly more tempting. These are the people I have come to know and love and laugh with and cry with.

I have said it before and I will say it again, home is where the heart is. Right now, my heart is in the plaza on a warm day, sitting at a coffee shop laughing about the way a friend says a phrase, eating at restaurants we should have exhausted by now but yet can't get away from, staying up till all hours making God-talk.

But I am ready to return to my roots. To a place where you don't hear a siren every half-hour, a place where you can drive from A to B without having to allot extra time for traffic, a place where the only Starbucks within feasible distance is 15 minutes away. I am ready for slow afternoons reading a book with my dog, for the sound of mowers and hedge trimmers, the smell of wood burning and rain falling. I am ready for late-night Taco Bell runs and once a week Chipotle dinners. I am ready to watch movies twice a week because we can't think of anything else to do.

I am ready for home.

So, as my life unravels, and boxes pack and people board planes, trains, and automobiles and scatter hither and thither, I am willing for my life to unravel, if only to see the change in our Tapestry come August.

No Longer Shall I Sing

Someone said the other day, "When your voice is changing, you do not sing."

This is a grand metaphor. When a choirboy who sings in a boy's choir enters puberty and his voice changes, he does not sing until his voice has completely made the change. Then he sings again.

This is greatly reflective of my current stage of life. My ways of understanding God are drastically changing, almost daily. Yet I spend much of my time debating this or that theological issue, criticizing a speaker who has about twelve times the amount of education I do, or critiquing an event put on by someone who has been in ministry for many years longer than I have been.

It's really not my place. While education, age, or experience is not always equated with superiority, I can't help but wonder how much pride I indulge in. When my time comes, will I be criticized the way I criticize others. This puts an eerie spin on "Judge not, lest you be judged."

In When the Lion Roars: A Primer for the Unsuspecting Mystic, Stephen Rossetti says, "The grace of God very often carries with it the desire to communicate to others. Indeed, the beginner may engage in sharing this newfound enlivened faith with others, but not as a teacher, and certainly not as a spiritual director. Instead of teaching, one should become a learner."

John of the Cross says that the beginners on the spiritual journey "develop a desire somewhat vain--at times very vain--to speak of spiritual things in others' presence, and sometimes even to instruct rather than be instructed."

At this stage in my life, I have been asked to shut up and listen. I dare not throw the first stone; who am I to say that I know better? When we do not submit to the authorities above us, we are shaking our fists at God (thanks, Dr. Easley).

The growing conviction to keep my mouth shut has returned in full force and is forcing my lips to close tightly. If I cannot submit in the small things, I will never be able to submit in the things that matter. What happens when the Senior Pastor at a church I will work at in the future does something I disagree with? Do I grumble under my breath?

So, for now, I will silence my voice, which makes me wonder if I should keep writing this. But I will, and now they will be reflections on silence.