Admitting My Weakness

The following is excerpted from a letter I recently sent to a friend. I thought it appropriate to share here, as well.

I've been thinking a lot about my powerlessness to achieve, well, anything in this life that we are trying to live. In essence, it is impossible for me to fix myself, to end my addicitons to approval and self, to make myself a more humble or loving or submissive or patient guy. It's not me.

I was reading in Romans 8 today (don't even get me started) and in verse 13 it said that "For if you live according to the flesh you will die, but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live." I can only live if I put to death the deeds of the body through the Spirit. This is especially helfpul and a message from God in light of my battles over the last few days.I then picked up a devotional I will be going through this summer, "The Inner Voice of Love" by Henri Nouwen. Today's title was "Admitting your Powerlessness." Coincidence?

He talked about admitting our powerlessness to God so he can truly work; that if we try to hard we fail, but if we don't try hard enough we don't get better either. When you plant a seed, you don't dig it back up every day to see if it's growing. I have to let go and earnestly seek God about these things.

It hit me the other night that only Jesus can save me now.

If I'm going to have to go with a last resort, I think I would like him to be Jesus.Then I begin to understand that the essence of the Gospel is making Jesus your first resort, not your last. I think I would have wasted a lot less time if I'd have just figured this out sooner.

And so I pray. I'm reading about breath prayer, this things monks in the East developed in the 6th century to pray without ceasing. Breathing in, I whisper half of a prayer, and the other half when I exhale. For example, "Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner." That was the monks'. I like, "Abba, I belong to you." Especially after Romans 8's talk of adoption.

So please, read and pray. Know where your strength comes from. Admit your powerlessness.